completely ranty and illogical post
i don’t know why but today i seem to be rather emo. like, thinking about stuff. (its a side of me i usually don’t tell people about, but yea) like it felt rather awkward during bible study at ocf today, maybe cos like i couldn’t really understand the passage and my inferences were usually not very accurate. and like i just felt like i need a best friend here. like someone i can just ask out without having to worry if i seem too despo or loner. someone i can tell my daily life stories about - not necessarily someone who needs to answer or even listen properly (cos grace i know you don’t listen to my stories half the time haha), but just someone that i’ll feel comfortable talking to. sigh i know i’m starting to think too much. like, whenever i feel like, ah shucks why didn’t i do that, or get that or whatever, i have to keep reminding myself to not care or think so much. sigh. well i do think alot actually just that i don’t verbalise most of it.
and i realised something else. a major reason why i wouldn’t wanna serve as a cell group leader - i won’t be able to shepherd my people well cos i just don’t love them that much to like, you know always remember to pray for them, send emails, etc etc. sigh i think. aiya i dunno why but after today’s bible study i feel like my whole spiritual life isn’t right. i don’t know why, for some reason i just started to feel very depressed towards the end of ocf. i really don’t know why.
and plus it didn’t help that my aunty found out about the me getting conned story before i told her (its nothing bad, it just reflects badly on me cos i didn’t inform her about these kinda things first and went and told nae first, which is rather irritating cos i told her not to tell her mum yet cos i wanted to tell her face to face, but she told sam, who obviously can’t keep his mouth shut can’t keep anything secret.) well it’s not really bad in the sense that its not like they revealed a dark deep secret i didnt want her to know, its just that its so irritating cos it reflects really badly on me (though i guess i shoulddd have called her to tell her earlier, i dunno, i just thought its easier to say these things face to face. not exactly the kinda thing im proud of), like i’m really rude or something, and she’s the kind who ji4 chou2 (for the hanyupinyin/chinese-illiterate: remembers grudges) for really long so she may just like, carry this bad impression of me with her forever? or like remember it and use it as a story to bug me for the rest of my life? (like other stories that only my family know about which happened when i was 10 or something and i’m still getting bugged about them now) and like i didn’t see the urgency in telling her since everything was alr settled. [i really don’t like telling people about problems in my life, esp if they’re already solved. i dunno why, maybe i don’t like to show my weak side? or can’t stand people nagging at me? pride maybe? i dunno]. but rah. yea here’s an example of when i need to remind myself that i should just heck la. don’t care. i mean, not like i can change anything. thinking about it is only gonna make me feel more irritated. rah.
sigh ok. end of the extremely ranty post. prob the worst one since i’ve been here. but i really can’t explain that sudden depression that hit me just now (i’ve been masking it for the last 3 hours with funny youtube videos) but now, (after playing word challenge, aha), i will finally face it with God. ah. i hope something works out.
